Fuck March.

Hello Sugarfaces! It has been a minute. A lot has gone on.. I moved! Yep. From Hawthorne to Sellwood. We have a lovely duplex now right next to a park. It is different, but I am loving it so far. Then friends came to town. And then stayed. Too long. But as always I played the loving host. My gramama taught me well. As tough as I like people to think that I am.. I am not. I care even when it breaks me. It often does. I am preparing to leave my home, family, puppies, friends and everything else that I call normal for five months. Working in Alaska is an opportunity of a life time. Many of my close friends and family are outwardly jealous. But this is my life. I am who I am. I could never stop. I want to see so much. And really compaired to a lot of travelers I have met in my travels, I have not been anywhere.  I have learned over time that life is short and god damn it I plan to make the best of it.

I have twelve days. I woke up Sunday morning and had a sudden realization that, holy shit. I am leaving for five fucking months. The last two months of waiting seems until that morning to take forever to get here. Now I keep thinking, whoa this needs to slow down. I know that I am ready but I am starting to second guess myself. I was made for this though. I had more knowledge than have the “good” chefs I know when I was four than they have now. And I have been studying the arts of being the boss for five years now. I think I know exactly how I want it to work out. Hears to it working at least sorta like I want. Haha.

In the last month I have been doing some real soul searching. Not catering that wedding after so long of planning for it, really shook my self esteem and confidance. It made me look inside of myself and kinda spring clean my soul. In doing this I have decided who I am. Who I want to be. And how I am going to get there. I also had to look at the people that I surrounded myself with. Because even though we may not think about it, they alter us. I made some hard choices and drew some lines. I was maybe not very good at communication these things.. but it’s a work in progress and I am still working on how to express feeling toward people without hurting them. I have decided that sometimes you have to let go of people. Even ones you love, if the relationship you have with them is toxic. There are more than one of these types of people in my life. I am choosing to deal with them one at a time. The first one exited my life several months ago. Since then these things have been on my mind. Unfortunatly that one ended bitter and I would like to learn from it and not let my hurt, hurt them. The second one is a work in progress. Life has changed a lot this year for her and I. And we just are in really different places. And her thoughtlessness/ stupidity just cant be near me anymore. I have to let go so that I don’t hate her.

The others.. are deeper. How do you dissotiate yourself from family? And people you love, but just make you into a person you do not want to be. I am not ready to go here with you all yet. Soon I hope.

I want to be wealthy. That may seem shallow, but I want to not have to try so hard to have great things. I want to be successful and be able to support myself and take care of family in emergencies. And I have big plans on getting there. Now to overcome my daily fears of you know living haha..

Oh man. I am not even close to being ready to go. I have a lot of what I need, but I really should make a list.  

Okay. Well thanks for listening. I will try to be less babbly and all over the place and actually fix this page up here soon. I would like to share recipes and stories a bit clearer. I will get there.. when I get out of panic mode. Soon..

Love you lots,

Sarah